playground: mixed upbringing

Another ‘fixer upper’. I was delighted that, following this, a new search tag has been added to their lexicon: Darcyshire. It’s to tag daft stories which only true JAFF junkies would get.

~from the threat of Darcyshire~

In celebration of the gift that keeps giving, The Times is pleased to print a third extract from the rediscovered papers of local luminary Lady Prudence Tenston. As reported before (back issues available, though heaven knows why), a local householder unearthed this treasure trove and fobbed off boxes and boxes of the stuff to our local museum.

The oiksstudents at our cherished University of Tenston’s Deportment of IT have been fiddling with their tasselled-edge Ardent Idiocy software, FineEyes®, to scan and extract a further instalment from Lady Prudence Tenston’s dairies. Their tutor, Mr Dun Cow Din, was heard to say that anything was better than letting the rabble roam the streets. [STOP PRESS: Correction] He’d rather that they roamed the streets.

Mrs Yam Roy Tin of the town’s museum was on her tea-and-shortbreak and was unavailable for comment, as were Lady Prudence’s descendants, who still live in the town at 23 Gracechurch Street.

[FineEyes®↗👁↘↗👁↘{⋰mode≡film ⋰output≡localrag}::run⇉]
[FineEyes® running ⚆ winking ⚇ blinking]
[FineEyes® ☺ done]

It is Just Beyond🎥 belief, Hugh Laurie,Bonneville,JackmanFitzwilliam brought his sister Catheter back! It seems as though young Huff was completely Oblivion🎥 to her behaviour the other day. Mrs Scallop and I rubbed our heads together with Glee🎥 anticipating the opportunity to test our elixir again.

I left Harriet to entertain Huffy and led Catheter to my Private Dancer🎥 sitting room, where I added two drops of our potion to her Goblet of Fire🎥. Mrs Scalene and I had our Quills🎥 at the ready to take notes. We were not disappointed!

Catheter slumped for a moment then started to wave her arms. Later, Mrs Isosceles suggested that we put glove puppets on her hands, as Catheter appeared to be acting. I have set my lady’s maid the task of making some male and female characters.

Catheter started to talk about The Madness of King George🎥 Darcy, his wife and son.

As George Darcy is courting Big🎥’s younger Sister Act🎥, Anne of Green Gables🎥, I wondered if Catheter was seeing a Vision Quest🎥 of Anne Boleyn🎥’s future.

‘Gardiner! Gardiner! Where are you?’ shrieked Catheter, waving an Arsenic and Old Lace🎥 handkerchief.

Why she wanted a gardener, we did not know, but then she sat up straight, donned a sneer and continued in a lower Voice of Terror🎥: ‘Do not call me Gardiner, Mother!’

It became apparent that she was taking About A Boy🎥.

‘La! Your name is The Constant Gardiner🎥 Darcy, my Beloved🎥 son,’ she shrieked, flapping wildly once more.

‘No, Mother,’ the lower voice snarled again, ‘I am Fitzwilliam Darcy.’

‘Oh, my Truly Madly Deeply🎥 darling boy, all of the best families name their Heirs to the Empire🎥 after their mother’s Maiden🎥 name.’

Then The Howling🎥 scowling came again. ‘It is tolerable, I suppose, but not handsome enough to tempt me.’

Then, with a shriek loud enough to shatter The Looking Glass War🎥 above the mantelpiece, ‘Hill! Notting Hill🎥! Fetch me my salts! Hill! Hill!’ Catheter collapsed into a [cont. on page 17]

Found On Revolting Darcyshire Youths: Cassandra Elixir

A new recreational drug has taken the town by storm. The drug is believed to have originated from the Chemistry Department at our own Tenston University.

Groups of its devotees have been seen running about Lambton Green waving lacy hankies and shouting ‘Hill! Hill!’ Then they claim to prophesize the most unbelievable futures.

Professor Wots Broo Win told The Times that, despite being banned from doing so, his students had been talking with the oiksstudents from the IT department. They, he claimed, had passed the recipe for the elixir to his students.

Mr Dun Cow Din of the Gin and It department at our very own Universally of Tenston denied the claim.

The town’s police chief, Pat Roe Lin, has assured local residents that her officers will venture from the safety of the station if only everyone would just calm down.

The so-called Cassandra Elixir — named after some mythical somebody or other, according to our renowned Unilaterally of Tenston’s It’s All Greek to Me Department — is available from all goo-[cont. on page 17]


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Two for three on all glove puppets.


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